Thoughts and Ramblings

It’s been awhile since I actually sat down and successfully sorted out my head, I guess mostly because it is hard for me to keep up with my thoughts and the thoughts that tend to linger are hard for me to put into words – because they are complex and on some level I do not want to say them out loud… not just yet.

I am static; I am standing on the threshold of many possibilities and a life that I want to live for myself yet I am paralyzed with fear to jump in. There are so many things to consider, people to take into account and the worry that maybe I am not ready to follow through on any of this just yet. Part of me feels like I am being selfish for wanting a life that may mean taking off on my own – if only for awhile, yet I have spent more years than I care to think about working jobs that I hated, taking promotions I did not want, going to school for programs I did not want, going without so my family could have what they needed and wanted – all to put food on the table, bills paid and to keep the waters around the house calm and manageable. I feel as if I have fought a very difficult and emotional battle denying parts of myself that I cannot continue to neglect, there are experiences that I must have, trips that have to be made and friends that must be found – and these things I must do alone.

As I look back on my life I realize that I have been lucky and unlucky to be surrounded by people who would step in and take over when I sunk too low or was too overwhelmed. I am grateful to have people who love me that much, however sometimes you need to have the struggle and be defeated and I feel as if I have not had that. I have people who will bail me out and fight my battles and I have relied upon these people for far too long, I have to put myself out there and take chances and deal with the repercussions alone, unfortunately I do not think my husband understands this.

When I lost my job I was devastated and elated at the same time, the more time passes the more I realize that perhaps life/ universe is handing me what I have wanted for so long – my life as I want / need it. I have time to explore, although I have not taken full advantage of it, I cannot count the number of times I would be driving to or from work and the only thoughts in my head were: “what if I just keep driving and never look back?” There is a nagging pain inside me wanting just hit the road and start over again, pick up and leave everything that is familiar and comfortable and just go. No real direction, just me on my adventure finding myself and discovering what I am really made of and getting in touch with myself.

I have lived a life that is not really mine, I have always done what was expected of me, pursued the corporate dream that family and society expects me to pursue, bought the house because we were supposed to, wore the clothes because they were what was in style, pretended I was happy because no body really wants to hear how unhappy and miserable you truly are because you should not go against the grain. I am guilty of all of this, and here I am – trying to figure out who the hell I really am and find the direction my life is supposed to take.

I have spent the greater portion of my life not fitting in, both in school and within my own family. A few years back I started thinking that something crazy happened and that I must have been born in the wrong era because while the world is speeding up and progressing, I am trying to slow down and simplify. I don’t understand the need for all of the technology – the newer, faster, better, right here right now mentality -I want wide opens spaces filled with nature and solitude and simplicity! I don’t quite fit in and only recently have I decided that instead of trying to fit in and conforming perhaps I need to create my own path and existence elsewhere.
I need to get out and experience life, to test myself and my limits to know that I am capable and strong, I cannot keep hiding from life and denying these urges and longings, I need to just throw myself in head first, to be spontaneous and enjoy the ups and downs. My husband is older than I am and he has had his experiences and they have helped define and mold him – I am ten years younger than he and have been raising a child since I was 18, there are so many things I need to do and I don’t think I can put it off much longer. I find myself becoming agitated, short and resentful – I have no one to blame but myself and I realize this. I am the one who has chosen the safe route and allowed others to live my life for me, I am the one to bought into society’s way of existing, I allowed myself to get off course and now I am trying to find my way bac

Dream Weaver

Before I get into the meat and potatoes that will be this blog entry let me give you a little history so that you can understand the confusion and state of wonderment that I am currently experiencing.

When I was about six and a half my parents divorced, my brother, mother and I moved into my grandparents home (my mom’s parents). It was a three bedroom, one bathroom ranch home with a basement, this basement is where I spent most all of my time while I lived there. My brother and I played in this basement almost everyday – Barbie, GI JOE, house, Cooking Cajun, our own version of the Olympics, it was a magical place for me. In my grandparents basement was a storage room behind the stairwell and I was petrified of this room. There was no light switch, you had to walk into this dark creepy room and reach up to pull the cord that flipped on a light bulb, the room was used for storage and it creeped me out! It was a long narrow room with boxes of out of season clothing, a tall cedar closet with old clothes in it, some trunks and at the end of the room was a little corner that my grandfather used to keep some cans of paint and a ladder. The end of the room where the ladder was terrified me (as well as the cedar closet). I don’t know where the idea came from, but I was convinced that there was the equivalent of a black hole at the end of this room with a killer clown that lived there (I SWEAR I ACTUALLY BELIEVED THIS)!
Despite the killer clown and parallel universe that resided in my grandparents basement, it was my safe haven, my own little world where I played Walton’s Mountain and Barbie Dolls until it was time for supper, I lost numerous hours in that basement and when I think back to my grandparents home I am always filled with a warm sensation and a feeling of safety and love. My grandfather died in 1999, he was in his late nineties and my grandmother passed away in her mid nineties about four years ago. Losing them was difficult for me and I miss them tremendously to this very day, they raised me while my mother was in school (JCC) during the day and worked at night, after my mother remarried my brother and I continued to ride the school bus to my grandparent’s house where we would stay until we were picked up by my step -father. I love my grandparents very much and felt a part of me leave when I lost them, there are certain songs, smells and even weather conditions that spontaneously trigger memories of their home, I always smile when that happens… now on with the story.

I went to bed the night of June 2nd, my daughter had just graduated from the middle school that evening and my husband and I were both saddened and excited for her. The ceremony was an hour long and afterwards we took her out to eat to celebrate her milestone, we came home and enjoyed our evening and went to bed around 11pm. At some point during the night I lapsed into my dream state, I only remember being in my grandparents basement wandering about. I went into the back room, the room behind the stairs – the room that scared me, but this time I was not scared I was at peace. The room was lined with various toys that I played with when I was young – A giant teddy bear and Cookie Monster, my Barbie Dream House, my play dishes etc, the giant cedar closet was also there. I began searching for something, I am not sure what it was exactly I was looking for, but I knew that I needed something a memento to take with me, in my dream I knew the object I was looking for but it was never revealed to me, I just knew what it was and I continued searching. At some point I returned to the main portion of the basement where my play kitchen set used to be, I was sitting on the floor and I soon began freezing and a white light appeared. I was a little apprehensive but not terrified, I was also comforted to a certain degree. I know it was my grandparents that appeared in my dreams, but I cannot remember anything else about this dream. Something was said and I was literally searching for something – but I cannot remember what.

Since that dream I have been quite sad and yet I am also feeling quite peaceful if that makes any sense. I have literally broken down into tears on two separate occasions thinking about this and wondering what it all means. I do feel that my grandparents where there when Brittany walked across that stage to accept her certificate and part of that dream was to let me know that, but there is something else that I am missing and I cannot remember what that is… something else is missing and incomplete and I cannot remember what was said to me in that dream. I am going a little crazy trying to remember! What does all this mean?

The More Neurosis, The More Wisdom

I feel my heart begin to soften, to notice that my way of thinking is beginning to clear – just a little, but it’s a start. Though I have been able to separate / avoid those who have caused me troubles and pain I haven’t been able to escape myself. That inner recorder in my head that always plays back certain conversations that angered me and caused me great pain and anxiety, I may have been able to avoid them but my inner dialogue is always with me playing situations back and I get caught up in it. We cannot run forever, eventually our problems will snow ball and force us to deal with them, until we sit down and open ourselves to the situation at hand.

It has given me comfort to understand that everything I have been looking for has always been inside of me; we all have the wisdom, the softness, the strength and the happiness waiting inside us if only we will open ourselves completely. When you accept yourself just as you are, flaws, scars, neurosis and habits then the work can begin. It is not about changing yourself; it’s about accepting who you are and every situation, thought, and conversation as a teacher and a way of learning more about yourself. Notice the times when something in you has been triggered and your first response is to lash out, you cannot change that person, but you can change the way you react. You can allow yourself to not be hooked / baited into a heated argument, to not get caught up in your inner dialogue. Perhaps that person has had a bad day and you happened to be the recipient of that person’s pain, perhaps that person just really doesn’t like you, either way that person is on their own path and you can breathe in that person’s pain and breathe out calmness and peace to them. It’s about not getting caught up in situations such as gossip, arguments, and self-destructive behaviors and remembering that we have all been in that person’s position before and we should have compassion for them. And if that person is able to trigger a response from you then you have been presented with an opportunity to explore why you were triggered, to befriend some old skeletons perhaps.

It is only when you are able to sit with your demons peacefully that you can begin to move forward. Hiding, holding grudges, constantly re playing situations only cause us more pain and we begin to get caught up with the inner dialogue in our head which just fuels the flames and before we know it we are pissed off or having an anxiety attack and lashing out at loved ones. I recently sat down with a person over the weekend who I thought was the source of great pain for me, I had a lovely time and I realized it was because I wasn’t analyzing every word and facial expression for hidden jabs, I was open to the moment and relaxed, I wasn’t trying to mentally record the conversation – I let everything go, my hang ups, past hurts and frustrations with this person. I allowed the moment to be just what it was, a friendly visit, I went over with no expectations or preconceived notions. Yes this person in the past has said things to hurt me, but I allowed it to continue in my head for 20 plus years, I allowed it to eat me up inside and carried it with me for so long that I avoided this person as often as I could.

I have made space for my demons, I have sat with them face to face, embraced them and learned from them though I am sure there are still some hiding somewhere and a few that I have yet to meet, either way I am okay with that because we never stop learning or growing. When I practice compassion and befriend those dark and armored parts of myself, when I opened up whole-heartedly to life and all situations, when I stopped hiding I began to soften a little bit, to relax, I stopped projecting onto others and I felt better.

I have been reading “Start Where You Are” by Pema Chodron, her books have really opened my eyes and heart and I have begun to seriously practice what I have learned, she has helped so much. I like the idea that Pema Chodron does not want to speak in ways that make others feel as if there is something wrong with them, but rather look at the issue at hand as a growth and learning opportunity, she teaches self acceptance and self love, compassion and tapping into the inner wisdom and peace that is within all of us. We should stop labeling good and or bad, just accept and learn.

I highly recommend Pema Chodron’s works to everyone whether you are struggling or not, her writing is very much honest and to the point and quite honestly she has a wonderful sense of humor!

Thank you Pema!

Pema Chodron Interview

Bill Moyer's Interview with Pema Chodron part 1

Interview part 2

When you've met your match, you've met your teacher

I am the mother of a teenage girl, perhaps the hardest job I have ever had in my entire life! I have always felt that she and I had very few similarities, my husband on the other hand says we are too much alike and often can't tell which one of us is 14. I know being a teenage girl is tough, the insecurities, the physical and hormonal changes, the awkwardness of going through the changes and trying to fit in while you figure yourself out. I feel badly for her, I know this isn't an easy time and I remind myself of this DAILY! She is not the easiest person for me to get along with, she is able provoke things in me that no one else is probably capable of, most of the time I have to walk away from her to cool down or I will just lose it completely! I have really tried to find ways of getting along with her, unfortunately the only way that will probably work is to let her do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants - and that will just not happen!

I sat on my front porch yesterday, I meditated, listened to the birds and watched clouds roll by and then tried to finish reading "Start Where You Are: A Guide To Compassionate Living" by Pema Chodron. The chapter I was beginning to read this day was entitled Be Grateful to Everyone, my gentle reminder that I was getting caught up in my inner dialogue and not practicing what I preach!


"If we were to make a list of people we don't like- people we find obnoxious, threatening, or worthy of contempt- we would find out a lot about those aspects of ourselves that we can't face. If we were to come up with one word about each of those troublemakers in our lives, we would find ourselves with a list of descriptions of our own rejected qualities, which we project onto the outside world. The people who repel us unwittingly show us the aspects of ourselves that we find unacceptable, which otherwise we can't see. In traditional teachings on lojong it is put another way: other people trigger the karma that we haven't worked out. They mirror us and give us the chance to befriend all of that ancient stuff that we carry around like a backpack full of granite boulders."

Know this, I love my daughter she is the most caring person I know in fact sometimes she cares too much! She is beautiful, soulful, intelligent and has so much to give and I know that she is going through some normal teen stuff right now, but it is my responses to her that make me pull back and wonder "wow, why I am I getting so bent out of shape instead of just trying to diffuse her and help her come to terms with her situation?" I sat down this morning and I made a list of things she does / says that triggers me and was able to come up with a lot of parallels in my own issues and insecurities. It is very true here that she has triggered some unresolved issues of my own, I have guarded myself and pushed things away for so long that I never took the time to touch on some of the more sensitive matters that I have built armor around. She also displays behaviors that I have that I am trying to change because I do not like them for myself.


I am almost 34 years old, for a long time I have always said I felt that I never grew up emotionally and sometimes feel like a ten year old inside. It is so funny to sit here now and to realize just how insecure I myself am, how I feel left out, not good enough and defensive sometimes - JUST LIKE HER! I though I had dealt with most of those issues, obviously there are still some repressed feelings I have not dealt with just yet! I suppose I thought I had dealt with my issues and was okay, maybe on some level I thought most of my struggle was over and was in the clear and things were looking up. I do realize that there will always be issues that pop up throughout life's journey, I just thought I had finally put my past to rest. I cannot hide from myself any longer, doing so only keeps the issues coming back until they are dealt with and accepted once and for all.

I will own these feelings, I will not blame her or anyone else, these are my own feelings and I will not cling to them. She is my reminder that I haven't quite moved on just yet, that I am still stuck, still evolving, learning and opening. Reading this and coming to realization that we are not so different after all, kind of changes my perspective on this. My fourteen year old is my greatest teacher, and for her I am grateful!





Chodron, P. (1994). Start Where You Are: A Guide To Compassionate Living. Canada : Shambala

Shoving Off

A Hopi elder once said: "There is a river flowing now, very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and suffer greatly. Know that the river has its destination. The elders say we must push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open and our heads above the water. See who is there with you and celebrate. At this time in history we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves, for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves; banish the word 'struggle' from your attitude and vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred way and in celebration. We are the ones we have been waiting for."

So here I am clinging to the shore, repeating the same behaviors as always. Faced with opportunity to pursue something I have always wanted and here I stand paralyzed with fear. Why is it I am afraid of my future and to put myself out there? Yes, I am afraid of failure and the unknown, I am afraid of risk, I am insecure and I want certainty and security - but there is none and I know better. These are the engrained behaviors and patterns that I struggle with! This is my test, so many opportunities have slipped by because I refused to take a chance, to jump into the unknown and allow myself to grow, learn and quite possibly have some success. Opportunities that I work hard for appear before me and I begin to have second thoughts, I become anxious and resistant and watch it pass me by then become depressed and angry at myself. I allow myself to get caught up in my head and in the "cannots and should nots" and I know these are just the insecurities and doubts surfacing . I allow these thoughts and fears to become bigger than I am, I cave in and regret it later. We cannot allow problems to become bigger or smaller than us, we must face them as equals in order to rise to the demands of the moment.

I know that I am on the right path and I am still clearing the way ahead of me, covered in the creeping weeds and brambles of fears and insecurities, these struggles are just part of our quest. These are issues that I have not met head on just yet, so here I am. I figured if I put these silly thoughts in black and white and read them later I would realize how irrational I am being, I know better than to buy into some of the thoughts that are in my head. I know there are no 100% guarantees in life and that nobody else can make my dreams / wishes come true but myself and I certainly cannot pursue them if I do not put myself out there.

Life is too short to not attempt to fulfill the dreams and wishes that will make you happy, to not pursue your life's calling. Why sit and be miserable and anxious when you could be out in the world helping others and yourself by sharing your gift? I will not stand on the shore any longer, I have been sinking into the sand and stood there for far too long. The time has come to jump in the waters, to take action and put this ship into motion... it's time to shove off!

Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak”
Thomas Carlyle

Gates, R., & Kenison, K. (2002). Meditations from the Mat: Anchor Books : New York

Make Yourself

We have all been domesticated! We were born a blank slate, unable to speak, form thoughts, walk, crawl, or make decisions. Our parents and society begin to fill our minds with their religious beliefs, what is acceptable behavior, right vs. wrong and lame practical dreams. As we begin to grow our families, friends and society begin to label us: you are so pretty, you are so smart and we believe them. None of us really know who we truly are, we accept these labels, lifestyles and beliefs that have been imposed on us and live them out. What I am getting at is that everything that we think we are, all of the classifications and labels we have given ourselves are from other people / society, we are trying to live up to other peoples images of us... so I ask you "who are you really?"

I was raised in a catholic family, attended catholic school my entire life, was expected to attend college and do something normal, practical and mundane with my life (as we all are). My grandmother used to tell me I would be Miss America or another Brooke Shields, or maybe I could be a doctor because my handwriting was so messy. So here I am now a college drop out and an agnostic ( I believe in the power of the universe and energy)and most definitely the black sheep of the family! Admittedly I was a little bothered at first that I was looked upon by my family as weird, unsuccessful, perhaps even as a failure, or even better that I was lost but would come back around to my faith!

These days I don't care so much about what they think because I have realized that I am not a conventional person and that I have my own dreams and my own type of lifestyle that I am going to live. My vision of success is nowhere close to what my parents would consider as being successful! I don't want to have these lavish possessions, boats, a jacuzzi and a large home because I have worked at a job that I hate and put in 80 hour weeks - those things are not important to me and are nothing more than distractions and attachments. My husband and I choose to live a meager life, spend our time with our family and friends instead of working all of the time, we choose to live a life that agrees with our way of existing. We want to spend time together enjoying ourselves and one another, to enjoy the pretty days outdoors with our friends and pets, listening to good music and reading good books, and that is exactly what we do. We do work, we just choose to not live at our jobs and we try to do work that allows us to feel fulfilled and to help others.

Our job titles and possessions are not what define us,we are first and foremost humans and we are each different and should not be ridiculed for being so. We raise our children to be polite and not make fun / ridicule others, but isn't that essentially what is happening here? I choose to not be a christian and to not be part of the machine (selling my soul to the corporate pigs) and I am told that I will come back around as if my lifestyle is wrong and theirs is right... you are judging me. I am not saying that my lifestyle or lack of belief is the right way to live, it is just right for me - I don't begrudge anyone their faith or their lifestyle, I am just asking that you not impose on me and treat me differently because of it.

In the end does it really matter what my job is, what my faith is or what designer I am wearing? Is it really that important to you? How often do these things come up in your daily conversation? How is it that my way of existing effects yours? Are you truly happy? Think about it.... are you living the life that you want to live or are you trying to live up to others expectations and dreams? If you care or love me, then know that I am living a fulfilled and happy life as I am. I have what is truly important to me, my health, peace of mind, a wonderful spouse and daughter, a desire to help and reach out to others.... I am a good person who wants to make a difference to those I meet. Life is short, how do you choose to spend your time? Think about it, get in touch with the true you (meditation or whatever your method), allow yourself to develop into the person that you really are and to live the life in which you want for yourself!

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."~ E. E. Cummings