The More Neurosis, The More Wisdom

I feel my heart begin to soften, to notice that my way of thinking is beginning to clear – just a little, but it’s a start. Though I have been able to separate / avoid those who have caused me troubles and pain I haven’t been able to escape myself. That inner recorder in my head that always plays back certain conversations that angered me and caused me great pain and anxiety, I may have been able to avoid them but my inner dialogue is always with me playing situations back and I get caught up in it. We cannot run forever, eventually our problems will snow ball and force us to deal with them, until we sit down and open ourselves to the situation at hand.

It has given me comfort to understand that everything I have been looking for has always been inside of me; we all have the wisdom, the softness, the strength and the happiness waiting inside us if only we will open ourselves completely. When you accept yourself just as you are, flaws, scars, neurosis and habits then the work can begin. It is not about changing yourself; it’s about accepting who you are and every situation, thought, and conversation as a teacher and a way of learning more about yourself. Notice the times when something in you has been triggered and your first response is to lash out, you cannot change that person, but you can change the way you react. You can allow yourself to not be hooked / baited into a heated argument, to not get caught up in your inner dialogue. Perhaps that person has had a bad day and you happened to be the recipient of that person’s pain, perhaps that person just really doesn’t like you, either way that person is on their own path and you can breathe in that person’s pain and breathe out calmness and peace to them. It’s about not getting caught up in situations such as gossip, arguments, and self-destructive behaviors and remembering that we have all been in that person’s position before and we should have compassion for them. And if that person is able to trigger a response from you then you have been presented with an opportunity to explore why you were triggered, to befriend some old skeletons perhaps.

It is only when you are able to sit with your demons peacefully that you can begin to move forward. Hiding, holding grudges, constantly re playing situations only cause us more pain and we begin to get caught up with the inner dialogue in our head which just fuels the flames and before we know it we are pissed off or having an anxiety attack and lashing out at loved ones. I recently sat down with a person over the weekend who I thought was the source of great pain for me, I had a lovely time and I realized it was because I wasn’t analyzing every word and facial expression for hidden jabs, I was open to the moment and relaxed, I wasn’t trying to mentally record the conversation – I let everything go, my hang ups, past hurts and frustrations with this person. I allowed the moment to be just what it was, a friendly visit, I went over with no expectations or preconceived notions. Yes this person in the past has said things to hurt me, but I allowed it to continue in my head for 20 plus years, I allowed it to eat me up inside and carried it with me for so long that I avoided this person as often as I could.

I have made space for my demons, I have sat with them face to face, embraced them and learned from them though I am sure there are still some hiding somewhere and a few that I have yet to meet, either way I am okay with that because we never stop learning or growing. When I practice compassion and befriend those dark and armored parts of myself, when I opened up whole-heartedly to life and all situations, when I stopped hiding I began to soften a little bit, to relax, I stopped projecting onto others and I felt better.

I have been reading “Start Where You Are” by Pema Chodron, her books have really opened my eyes and heart and I have begun to seriously practice what I have learned, she has helped so much. I like the idea that Pema Chodron does not want to speak in ways that make others feel as if there is something wrong with them, but rather look at the issue at hand as a growth and learning opportunity, she teaches self acceptance and self love, compassion and tapping into the inner wisdom and peace that is within all of us. We should stop labeling good and or bad, just accept and learn.

I highly recommend Pema Chodron’s works to everyone whether you are struggling or not, her writing is very much honest and to the point and quite honestly she has a wonderful sense of humor!

Thank you Pema!