Dream Weaver

Before I get into the meat and potatoes that will be this blog entry let me give you a little history so that you can understand the confusion and state of wonderment that I am currently experiencing.

When I was about six and a half my parents divorced, my brother, mother and I moved into my grandparents home (my mom’s parents). It was a three bedroom, one bathroom ranch home with a basement, this basement is where I spent most all of my time while I lived there. My brother and I played in this basement almost everyday – Barbie, GI JOE, house, Cooking Cajun, our own version of the Olympics, it was a magical place for me. In my grandparents basement was a storage room behind the stairwell and I was petrified of this room. There was no light switch, you had to walk into this dark creepy room and reach up to pull the cord that flipped on a light bulb, the room was used for storage and it creeped me out! It was a long narrow room with boxes of out of season clothing, a tall cedar closet with old clothes in it, some trunks and at the end of the room was a little corner that my grandfather used to keep some cans of paint and a ladder. The end of the room where the ladder was terrified me (as well as the cedar closet). I don’t know where the idea came from, but I was convinced that there was the equivalent of a black hole at the end of this room with a killer clown that lived there (I SWEAR I ACTUALLY BELIEVED THIS)!
Despite the killer clown and parallel universe that resided in my grandparents basement, it was my safe haven, my own little world where I played Walton’s Mountain and Barbie Dolls until it was time for supper, I lost numerous hours in that basement and when I think back to my grandparents home I am always filled with a warm sensation and a feeling of safety and love. My grandfather died in 1999, he was in his late nineties and my grandmother passed away in her mid nineties about four years ago. Losing them was difficult for me and I miss them tremendously to this very day, they raised me while my mother was in school (JCC) during the day and worked at night, after my mother remarried my brother and I continued to ride the school bus to my grandparent’s house where we would stay until we were picked up by my step -father. I love my grandparents very much and felt a part of me leave when I lost them, there are certain songs, smells and even weather conditions that spontaneously trigger memories of their home, I always smile when that happens… now on with the story.

I went to bed the night of June 2nd, my daughter had just graduated from the middle school that evening and my husband and I were both saddened and excited for her. The ceremony was an hour long and afterwards we took her out to eat to celebrate her milestone, we came home and enjoyed our evening and went to bed around 11pm. At some point during the night I lapsed into my dream state, I only remember being in my grandparents basement wandering about. I went into the back room, the room behind the stairs – the room that scared me, but this time I was not scared I was at peace. The room was lined with various toys that I played with when I was young – A giant teddy bear and Cookie Monster, my Barbie Dream House, my play dishes etc, the giant cedar closet was also there. I began searching for something, I am not sure what it was exactly I was looking for, but I knew that I needed something a memento to take with me, in my dream I knew the object I was looking for but it was never revealed to me, I just knew what it was and I continued searching. At some point I returned to the main portion of the basement where my play kitchen set used to be, I was sitting on the floor and I soon began freezing and a white light appeared. I was a little apprehensive but not terrified, I was also comforted to a certain degree. I know it was my grandparents that appeared in my dreams, but I cannot remember anything else about this dream. Something was said and I was literally searching for something – but I cannot remember what.

Since that dream I have been quite sad and yet I am also feeling quite peaceful if that makes any sense. I have literally broken down into tears on two separate occasions thinking about this and wondering what it all means. I do feel that my grandparents where there when Brittany walked across that stage to accept her certificate and part of that dream was to let me know that, but there is something else that I am missing and I cannot remember what that is… something else is missing and incomplete and I cannot remember what was said to me in that dream. I am going a little crazy trying to remember! What does all this mean?