Thoughts and Ramblings

It’s been awhile since I actually sat down and successfully sorted out my head, I guess mostly because it is hard for me to keep up with my thoughts and the thoughts that tend to linger are hard for me to put into words – because they are complex and on some level I do not want to say them out loud… not just yet.

I am static; I am standing on the threshold of many possibilities and a life that I want to live for myself yet I am paralyzed with fear to jump in. There are so many things to consider, people to take into account and the worry that maybe I am not ready to follow through on any of this just yet. Part of me feels like I am being selfish for wanting a life that may mean taking off on my own – if only for awhile, yet I have spent more years than I care to think about working jobs that I hated, taking promotions I did not want, going to school for programs I did not want, going without so my family could have what they needed and wanted – all to put food on the table, bills paid and to keep the waters around the house calm and manageable. I feel as if I have fought a very difficult and emotional battle denying parts of myself that I cannot continue to neglect, there are experiences that I must have, trips that have to be made and friends that must be found – and these things I must do alone.

As I look back on my life I realize that I have been lucky and unlucky to be surrounded by people who would step in and take over when I sunk too low or was too overwhelmed. I am grateful to have people who love me that much, however sometimes you need to have the struggle and be defeated and I feel as if I have not had that. I have people who will bail me out and fight my battles and I have relied upon these people for far too long, I have to put myself out there and take chances and deal with the repercussions alone, unfortunately I do not think my husband understands this.

When I lost my job I was devastated and elated at the same time, the more time passes the more I realize that perhaps life/ universe is handing me what I have wanted for so long – my life as I want / need it. I have time to explore, although I have not taken full advantage of it, I cannot count the number of times I would be driving to or from work and the only thoughts in my head were: “what if I just keep driving and never look back?” There is a nagging pain inside me wanting just hit the road and start over again, pick up and leave everything that is familiar and comfortable and just go. No real direction, just me on my adventure finding myself and discovering what I am really made of and getting in touch with myself.

I have lived a life that is not really mine, I have always done what was expected of me, pursued the corporate dream that family and society expects me to pursue, bought the house because we were supposed to, wore the clothes because they were what was in style, pretended I was happy because no body really wants to hear how unhappy and miserable you truly are because you should not go against the grain. I am guilty of all of this, and here I am – trying to figure out who the hell I really am and find the direction my life is supposed to take.

I have spent the greater portion of my life not fitting in, both in school and within my own family. A few years back I started thinking that something crazy happened and that I must have been born in the wrong era because while the world is speeding up and progressing, I am trying to slow down and simplify. I don’t understand the need for all of the technology – the newer, faster, better, right here right now mentality -I want wide opens spaces filled with nature and solitude and simplicity! I don’t quite fit in and only recently have I decided that instead of trying to fit in and conforming perhaps I need to create my own path and existence elsewhere.
I need to get out and experience life, to test myself and my limits to know that I am capable and strong, I cannot keep hiding from life and denying these urges and longings, I need to just throw myself in head first, to be spontaneous and enjoy the ups and downs. My husband is older than I am and he has had his experiences and they have helped define and mold him – I am ten years younger than he and have been raising a child since I was 18, there are so many things I need to do and I don’t think I can put it off much longer. I find myself becoming agitated, short and resentful – I have no one to blame but myself and I realize this. I am the one who has chosen the safe route and allowed others to live my life for me, I am the one to bought into society’s way of existing, I allowed myself to get off course and now I am trying to find my way bac