When you've met your match, you've met your teacher

I am the mother of a teenage girl, perhaps the hardest job I have ever had in my entire life! I have always felt that she and I had very few similarities, my husband on the other hand says we are too much alike and often can't tell which one of us is 14. I know being a teenage girl is tough, the insecurities, the physical and hormonal changes, the awkwardness of going through the changes and trying to fit in while you figure yourself out. I feel badly for her, I know this isn't an easy time and I remind myself of this DAILY! She is not the easiest person for me to get along with, she is able provoke things in me that no one else is probably capable of, most of the time I have to walk away from her to cool down or I will just lose it completely! I have really tried to find ways of getting along with her, unfortunately the only way that will probably work is to let her do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants - and that will just not happen!

I sat on my front porch yesterday, I meditated, listened to the birds and watched clouds roll by and then tried to finish reading "Start Where You Are: A Guide To Compassionate Living" by Pema Chodron. The chapter I was beginning to read this day was entitled Be Grateful to Everyone, my gentle reminder that I was getting caught up in my inner dialogue and not practicing what I preach!


"If we were to make a list of people we don't like- people we find obnoxious, threatening, or worthy of contempt- we would find out a lot about those aspects of ourselves that we can't face. If we were to come up with one word about each of those troublemakers in our lives, we would find ourselves with a list of descriptions of our own rejected qualities, which we project onto the outside world. The people who repel us unwittingly show us the aspects of ourselves that we find unacceptable, which otherwise we can't see. In traditional teachings on lojong it is put another way: other people trigger the karma that we haven't worked out. They mirror us and give us the chance to befriend all of that ancient stuff that we carry around like a backpack full of granite boulders."

Know this, I love my daughter she is the most caring person I know in fact sometimes she cares too much! She is beautiful, soulful, intelligent and has so much to give and I know that she is going through some normal teen stuff right now, but it is my responses to her that make me pull back and wonder "wow, why I am I getting so bent out of shape instead of just trying to diffuse her and help her come to terms with her situation?" I sat down this morning and I made a list of things she does / says that triggers me and was able to come up with a lot of parallels in my own issues and insecurities. It is very true here that she has triggered some unresolved issues of my own, I have guarded myself and pushed things away for so long that I never took the time to touch on some of the more sensitive matters that I have built armor around. She also displays behaviors that I have that I am trying to change because I do not like them for myself.


I am almost 34 years old, for a long time I have always said I felt that I never grew up emotionally and sometimes feel like a ten year old inside. It is so funny to sit here now and to realize just how insecure I myself am, how I feel left out, not good enough and defensive sometimes - JUST LIKE HER! I though I had dealt with most of those issues, obviously there are still some repressed feelings I have not dealt with just yet! I suppose I thought I had dealt with my issues and was okay, maybe on some level I thought most of my struggle was over and was in the clear and things were looking up. I do realize that there will always be issues that pop up throughout life's journey, I just thought I had finally put my past to rest. I cannot hide from myself any longer, doing so only keeps the issues coming back until they are dealt with and accepted once and for all.

I will own these feelings, I will not blame her or anyone else, these are my own feelings and I will not cling to them. She is my reminder that I haven't quite moved on just yet, that I am still stuck, still evolving, learning and opening. Reading this and coming to realization that we are not so different after all, kind of changes my perspective on this. My fourteen year old is my greatest teacher, and for her I am grateful!





Chodron, P. (1994). Start Where You Are: A Guide To Compassionate Living. Canada : Shambala