The More Neurosis, The More Wisdom

I feel my heart begin to soften, to notice that my way of thinking is beginning to clear – just a little, but it’s a start. Though I have been able to separate / avoid those who have caused me troubles and pain I haven’t been able to escape myself. That inner recorder in my head that always plays back certain conversations that angered me and caused me great pain and anxiety, I may have been able to avoid them but my inner dialogue is always with me playing situations back and I get caught up in it. We cannot run forever, eventually our problems will snow ball and force us to deal with them, until we sit down and open ourselves to the situation at hand.

It has given me comfort to understand that everything I have been looking for has always been inside of me; we all have the wisdom, the softness, the strength and the happiness waiting inside us if only we will open ourselves completely. When you accept yourself just as you are, flaws, scars, neurosis and habits then the work can begin. It is not about changing yourself; it’s about accepting who you are and every situation, thought, and conversation as a teacher and a way of learning more about yourself. Notice the times when something in you has been triggered and your first response is to lash out, you cannot change that person, but you can change the way you react. You can allow yourself to not be hooked / baited into a heated argument, to not get caught up in your inner dialogue. Perhaps that person has had a bad day and you happened to be the recipient of that person’s pain, perhaps that person just really doesn’t like you, either way that person is on their own path and you can breathe in that person’s pain and breathe out calmness and peace to them. It’s about not getting caught up in situations such as gossip, arguments, and self-destructive behaviors and remembering that we have all been in that person’s position before and we should have compassion for them. And if that person is able to trigger a response from you then you have been presented with an opportunity to explore why you were triggered, to befriend some old skeletons perhaps.

It is only when you are able to sit with your demons peacefully that you can begin to move forward. Hiding, holding grudges, constantly re playing situations only cause us more pain and we begin to get caught up with the inner dialogue in our head which just fuels the flames and before we know it we are pissed off or having an anxiety attack and lashing out at loved ones. I recently sat down with a person over the weekend who I thought was the source of great pain for me, I had a lovely time and I realized it was because I wasn’t analyzing every word and facial expression for hidden jabs, I was open to the moment and relaxed, I wasn’t trying to mentally record the conversation – I let everything go, my hang ups, past hurts and frustrations with this person. I allowed the moment to be just what it was, a friendly visit, I went over with no expectations or preconceived notions. Yes this person in the past has said things to hurt me, but I allowed it to continue in my head for 20 plus years, I allowed it to eat me up inside and carried it with me for so long that I avoided this person as often as I could.

I have made space for my demons, I have sat with them face to face, embraced them and learned from them though I am sure there are still some hiding somewhere and a few that I have yet to meet, either way I am okay with that because we never stop learning or growing. When I practice compassion and befriend those dark and armored parts of myself, when I opened up whole-heartedly to life and all situations, when I stopped hiding I began to soften a little bit, to relax, I stopped projecting onto others and I felt better.

I have been reading “Start Where You Are” by Pema Chodron, her books have really opened my eyes and heart and I have begun to seriously practice what I have learned, she has helped so much. I like the idea that Pema Chodron does not want to speak in ways that make others feel as if there is something wrong with them, but rather look at the issue at hand as a growth and learning opportunity, she teaches self acceptance and self love, compassion and tapping into the inner wisdom and peace that is within all of us. We should stop labeling good and or bad, just accept and learn.

I highly recommend Pema Chodron’s works to everyone whether you are struggling or not, her writing is very much honest and to the point and quite honestly she has a wonderful sense of humor!

Thank you Pema!

Pema Chodron Interview

Bill Moyer's Interview with Pema Chodron part 1

Interview part 2

When you've met your match, you've met your teacher

I am the mother of a teenage girl, perhaps the hardest job I have ever had in my entire life! I have always felt that she and I had very few similarities, my husband on the other hand says we are too much alike and often can't tell which one of us is 14. I know being a teenage girl is tough, the insecurities, the physical and hormonal changes, the awkwardness of going through the changes and trying to fit in while you figure yourself out. I feel badly for her, I know this isn't an easy time and I remind myself of this DAILY! She is not the easiest person for me to get along with, she is able provoke things in me that no one else is probably capable of, most of the time I have to walk away from her to cool down or I will just lose it completely! I have really tried to find ways of getting along with her, unfortunately the only way that will probably work is to let her do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants - and that will just not happen!

I sat on my front porch yesterday, I meditated, listened to the birds and watched clouds roll by and then tried to finish reading "Start Where You Are: A Guide To Compassionate Living" by Pema Chodron. The chapter I was beginning to read this day was entitled Be Grateful to Everyone, my gentle reminder that I was getting caught up in my inner dialogue and not practicing what I preach!


"If we were to make a list of people we don't like- people we find obnoxious, threatening, or worthy of contempt- we would find out a lot about those aspects of ourselves that we can't face. If we were to come up with one word about each of those troublemakers in our lives, we would find ourselves with a list of descriptions of our own rejected qualities, which we project onto the outside world. The people who repel us unwittingly show us the aspects of ourselves that we find unacceptable, which otherwise we can't see. In traditional teachings on lojong it is put another way: other people trigger the karma that we haven't worked out. They mirror us and give us the chance to befriend all of that ancient stuff that we carry around like a backpack full of granite boulders."

Know this, I love my daughter she is the most caring person I know in fact sometimes she cares too much! She is beautiful, soulful, intelligent and has so much to give and I know that she is going through some normal teen stuff right now, but it is my responses to her that make me pull back and wonder "wow, why I am I getting so bent out of shape instead of just trying to diffuse her and help her come to terms with her situation?" I sat down this morning and I made a list of things she does / says that triggers me and was able to come up with a lot of parallels in my own issues and insecurities. It is very true here that she has triggered some unresolved issues of my own, I have guarded myself and pushed things away for so long that I never took the time to touch on some of the more sensitive matters that I have built armor around. She also displays behaviors that I have that I am trying to change because I do not like them for myself.


I am almost 34 years old, for a long time I have always said I felt that I never grew up emotionally and sometimes feel like a ten year old inside. It is so funny to sit here now and to realize just how insecure I myself am, how I feel left out, not good enough and defensive sometimes - JUST LIKE HER! I though I had dealt with most of those issues, obviously there are still some repressed feelings I have not dealt with just yet! I suppose I thought I had dealt with my issues and was okay, maybe on some level I thought most of my struggle was over and was in the clear and things were looking up. I do realize that there will always be issues that pop up throughout life's journey, I just thought I had finally put my past to rest. I cannot hide from myself any longer, doing so only keeps the issues coming back until they are dealt with and accepted once and for all.

I will own these feelings, I will not blame her or anyone else, these are my own feelings and I will not cling to them. She is my reminder that I haven't quite moved on just yet, that I am still stuck, still evolving, learning and opening. Reading this and coming to realization that we are not so different after all, kind of changes my perspective on this. My fourteen year old is my greatest teacher, and for her I am grateful!





Chodron, P. (1994). Start Where You Are: A Guide To Compassionate Living. Canada : Shambala

Shoving Off

A Hopi elder once said: "There is a river flowing now, very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and suffer greatly. Know that the river has its destination. The elders say we must push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open and our heads above the water. See who is there with you and celebrate. At this time in history we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves, for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves; banish the word 'struggle' from your attitude and vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred way and in celebration. We are the ones we have been waiting for."

So here I am clinging to the shore, repeating the same behaviors as always. Faced with opportunity to pursue something I have always wanted and here I stand paralyzed with fear. Why is it I am afraid of my future and to put myself out there? Yes, I am afraid of failure and the unknown, I am afraid of risk, I am insecure and I want certainty and security - but there is none and I know better. These are the engrained behaviors and patterns that I struggle with! This is my test, so many opportunities have slipped by because I refused to take a chance, to jump into the unknown and allow myself to grow, learn and quite possibly have some success. Opportunities that I work hard for appear before me and I begin to have second thoughts, I become anxious and resistant and watch it pass me by then become depressed and angry at myself. I allow myself to get caught up in my head and in the "cannots and should nots" and I know these are just the insecurities and doubts surfacing . I allow these thoughts and fears to become bigger than I am, I cave in and regret it later. We cannot allow problems to become bigger or smaller than us, we must face them as equals in order to rise to the demands of the moment.

I know that I am on the right path and I am still clearing the way ahead of me, covered in the creeping weeds and brambles of fears and insecurities, these struggles are just part of our quest. These are issues that I have not met head on just yet, so here I am. I figured if I put these silly thoughts in black and white and read them later I would realize how irrational I am being, I know better than to buy into some of the thoughts that are in my head. I know there are no 100% guarantees in life and that nobody else can make my dreams / wishes come true but myself and I certainly cannot pursue them if I do not put myself out there.

Life is too short to not attempt to fulfill the dreams and wishes that will make you happy, to not pursue your life's calling. Why sit and be miserable and anxious when you could be out in the world helping others and yourself by sharing your gift? I will not stand on the shore any longer, I have been sinking into the sand and stood there for far too long. The time has come to jump in the waters, to take action and put this ship into motion... it's time to shove off!

Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak”
Thomas Carlyle

Gates, R., & Kenison, K. (2002). Meditations from the Mat: Anchor Books : New York