The Long Walk

I feel good today, grounded and quite centered. These days are sometimes few and far between, I have often wondered about my mood swings, are they something to worry about? I have mentioned them to my therapist before and tried to keep a mood log, but was unsuccessful. I am aware that my moods change and for no reason, they are not anything severe they are just something that I am quite aware of. When I realize that I am not in a good place I try to analyze and meditate on that feeling, I try to not dismiss it I have learned to embrace everything as an opportunity to learn something more about myself. I had lost sight of myself, I realized that I was trying to live up to everyone else's standards and was attempting to make myself into something other people wanted me to be..... just to be accepted. What a wonderful day it was when I realized this! It was one of the more painful therapy sessions I had finally dug down deep into the inner dark abyss where so many of my painful memories I ignored were and by allowing myself to be strong enough to go there out came the revelation that I had been waiting for. For my entire life I had felt that I was not accepted by people who you would think would accept you no matter what, I had felt abandoned and not good enough, my self esteem is tragic! I began to live my life in a way to make others proud of me and to want and love me, it is sick and childish I know, but I have never truly felt my age. Deep inside I have always felt that I was about ten years old - perhaps I quit maturing emotionally?

But I am in a good place today and I am grateful for it! It is a beautiful day and I grabbed my mp3 player, put it on shuffle and walked to the park! It was a very long walk and I lost all track of time, I sat for awhile and watched the ducklings swim on the lake, watched a father play with his two children and enjoyed the stillness that I found inside of me. As I journeyed home with a smile on my face I began to think that this walk was more than just a physical act, it was my long walk back to feeling human again. My downward spiral, emotional breakdown, my job loss: as much as I hurt while going through them I fought even though I wanted to give up so many times, my fight and self exploration has allowed me to come to this point today. I continue my journey to be the person that I am, to continue to think before I react, to not be so judgemental, to realize we are all going through our own battles and we are doing the best we can with what we have, to love my life and all it has to offer and embrace the hardships and difficult people as my teachers. It is so much easier to think and live this way, to be open and receptive to all, sometimes I may fall back into old habits but I try to catch myself and without passing judgement forgive myself and carry on with life.

“There's a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. You can see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the same.A much more interesting, kind, adventurous, and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is.”
Pema Chodron
Source: The Wisdom of No Escape: And the Path of Loving Kindness (Shambhala Classics), Page: 3