Make Yourself

We have all been domesticated! We were born a blank slate, unable to speak, form thoughts, walk, crawl, or make decisions. Our parents and society begin to fill our minds with their religious beliefs, what is acceptable behavior, right vs. wrong and lame practical dreams. As we begin to grow our families, friends and society begin to label us: you are so pretty, you are so smart and we believe them. None of us really know who we truly are, we accept these labels, lifestyles and beliefs that have been imposed on us and live them out. What I am getting at is that everything that we think we are, all of the classifications and labels we have given ourselves are from other people / society, we are trying to live up to other peoples images of us... so I ask you "who are you really?"

I was raised in a catholic family, attended catholic school my entire life, was expected to attend college and do something normal, practical and mundane with my life (as we all are). My grandmother used to tell me I would be Miss America or another Brooke Shields, or maybe I could be a doctor because my handwriting was so messy. So here I am now a college drop out and an agnostic ( I believe in the power of the universe and energy)and most definitely the black sheep of the family! Admittedly I was a little bothered at first that I was looked upon by my family as weird, unsuccessful, perhaps even as a failure, or even better that I was lost but would come back around to my faith!

These days I don't care so much about what they think because I have realized that I am not a conventional person and that I have my own dreams and my own type of lifestyle that I am going to live. My vision of success is nowhere close to what my parents would consider as being successful! I don't want to have these lavish possessions, boats, a jacuzzi and a large home because I have worked at a job that I hate and put in 80 hour weeks - those things are not important to me and are nothing more than distractions and attachments. My husband and I choose to live a meager life, spend our time with our family and friends instead of working all of the time, we choose to live a life that agrees with our way of existing. We want to spend time together enjoying ourselves and one another, to enjoy the pretty days outdoors with our friends and pets, listening to good music and reading good books, and that is exactly what we do. We do work, we just choose to not live at our jobs and we try to do work that allows us to feel fulfilled and to help others.

Our job titles and possessions are not what define us,we are first and foremost humans and we are each different and should not be ridiculed for being so. We raise our children to be polite and not make fun / ridicule others, but isn't that essentially what is happening here? I choose to not be a christian and to not be part of the machine (selling my soul to the corporate pigs) and I am told that I will come back around as if my lifestyle is wrong and theirs is right... you are judging me. I am not saying that my lifestyle or lack of belief is the right way to live, it is just right for me - I don't begrudge anyone their faith or their lifestyle, I am just asking that you not impose on me and treat me differently because of it.

In the end does it really matter what my job is, what my faith is or what designer I am wearing? Is it really that important to you? How often do these things come up in your daily conversation? How is it that my way of existing effects yours? Are you truly happy? Think about it.... are you living the life that you want to live or are you trying to live up to others expectations and dreams? If you care or love me, then know that I am living a fulfilled and happy life as I am. I have what is truly important to me, my health, peace of mind, a wonderful spouse and daughter, a desire to help and reach out to others.... I am a good person who wants to make a difference to those I meet. Life is short, how do you choose to spend your time? Think about it, get in touch with the true you (meditation or whatever your method), allow yourself to develop into the person that you really are and to live the life in which you want for yourself!

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."~ E. E. Cummings

Feel The Power

It's amazing how great or how terrible you can feel after spending time with another person, even when very few words are exchanged. Just being in the presence of a person, different energies are being exchanged either leaving you energized and feeling wonderful or drained and negative. There are a few folks in my life in which I have to mentally prepare myself for, I have to coach myself and get in the right mind set before a visit. It took a lot of work and it could be tiring, but now I have found that I have to change my perspective on these occasions, when I am about to visit someone where I know there may be tension I have to tell myself: "You are just going to check in on them, no commitments, no anticipation, no worries." I have found that after I have prepared myself for these visits, once the it is over the after effects are not so bad.

I was fortunate enough to have spent some time with an old yoga teacher of mine the other day, I was so excited about the visit that I thought I would burst into tears as soon as I laid eyes on her (I didn't but I came close). We spent some time chatting and catching up, explored some ideas about teaching together and then did a yoga practice. I was in extreme bliss being in her presence, she recharged my batteries and inspired me and I felt almost high when I left. How amazing it will be to hopefully make a living by teaching something that brings peace and health to people, to work side by side with one of the women who helped me to find the path of yoga. I know that I cannot feel that great everyday of my life, the days you run into people who can recharge you that way are few and far between though I would like to help those who are not in a good place to find peace.

As I sit here typing I am thinking to myself, perhaps I should be the source of positive energy to those who have drained me in the past. Life is not always lollipops and roses, but it's the point of view in which you choose to look at things, I choose to (try) welcome all situations as an opportunity to learn. To not dismiss my feelings, but sit with conflict and sadness, explore it and learn. There is a saying: "If you cry over burnt toast, what will you do when your house burns down?" If you can change a situation then change it, if you cannot then there is nothing you can do, accept it for what it is, learn from it and move on. This outlook has helped to bring me peace, I learned this from several Pema Chodron books which are life changing and I highly recommend them to everyone.

We don't have to be miserable or a source of misery to others, we seem to want to impose ourselves and our beliefs onto others - to want to change them into our own image. It seems to me that this misery / negativity is a result for the constant striving to obtain objects, people, status, money when in fact once these have been achieved there will always be something else to want. We do not have to suffer, be happy with what you have and where you are, allow others to be who they are, welcome difficult situations and others as an opportunity to learn and increase your patience and love ~ be the source of love and peace, embrace it and share it.

We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves. ~ Pema Chodron

Living Your Yoga

Yoga has increasingly gained popularity in the west, however it is an Indian Science that is thousands and thousands of years old. We here in the west (for the most part) think of Yoga as a physical act, an exercise and a way to get that Yoga booty! Even MTV has a line of Yoga DVDs with a cute young girl on the cover who is scantily clad! Yoga is so much more than doing a bunch poses and looking cute, it is a discipline, a science and a way of living your life. It is a practice that involves every part of your being, the physical poses keeps the body healthy and works out the toxins and stresses to prepare one for meditation. The breathing techniques quiet and still the mind, when one combines all three it brings about discipline and awareness.

Yoga is comprised of eight limbs: universal ethical principles (Yama), personal conduct (Niyama), Yoga postures, breathing techniques, control of the senses, concentration, meditation, and absorption. As you can see, the poses are only part of the practice. Ultimately when an individual is practicing Yoga he / she is incorporating all of the eight limbs not only on the yoga mat but off of the mat as well.

For example, I practice about six days a week, sometimes when I am not motivated I will practice with a DVD so my practice is not too lazy. During my practice I go through a series of physical poses (whatever poses strike my fancy that day or I focus on a part of my body that may not feel well). While I am doing the poses my breath work is not strained, it is deep and full which helps to keep the mind quiet, my gaze is always focused. In yoga there are always focal points for each pose usually a certain finger, the direction of the forehead, toes or naval. The focal points keep the mind directed and prevent the scattering of energy, this combined with the breath work keeps one integrated into the practice keeping the mind from wandering about. Once the practice is completed you prepare for meditation, the physical movements of the poses has exercised the body working out the impurities (through sweat and cleansing) stretching out the muscles and just working out the daily stresses. After a good Yoga practice I feel refreshed, renewed, centered and ready to go about the rest of my day.

What about the yama's and niyama's? These are actually common sense! There are 5 yama's (restraints) : one must refrain from violence towards others and yourself (not forcing poses and pushing too hard), one must be truthful in word / deed/ thought /action, one must not steal, one must practice moderation (not overindulging) and the last yama is non hoarding. As for the the Niyama's (observances) : one must practice purity, contentment, have focus, self study and devotion. The yama's and niyama's are the Yoga practice to do off of the mat.

I realize this may be a lot to take in, there is a lot of history and a lot to practice when it comes to Yoga. But really, when you read up on it and have practiced for awhile it only makes sense and it is such a beautiful and peaceful existence and it comes easily. As a Yoga teacher I have seen so many individuals come into the Yoga studio to take their first Yoga class, their main concern was to get back into shape. As they continued their practice they began to realize there was so much more to the Yoga - that has always been a transformation that I enjoyed watching.

We call it practice because one never achieves perfection, there is always more evolving and learning to do. Practicing and studying has always remained a passion for me, even when I wandered off the Yogic path and quit practicing I continued to read and study. I didn't consciously quit practicing, I had hit a low point in life and was quite depressed. All the more reason to practice you say, but these were the days I had to fight with myself just to shower and brush my teeth! The beauty of Yoga is that it is always there, you are always welcomed back and you pick up where you left off - never passing judgement upon yourself for quitting or for skipping practice, you are only human and a work in progress. Namaste.

The Long Walk

I feel good today, grounded and quite centered. These days are sometimes few and far between, I have often wondered about my mood swings, are they something to worry about? I have mentioned them to my therapist before and tried to keep a mood log, but was unsuccessful. I am aware that my moods change and for no reason, they are not anything severe they are just something that I am quite aware of. When I realize that I am not in a good place I try to analyze and meditate on that feeling, I try to not dismiss it I have learned to embrace everything as an opportunity to learn something more about myself. I had lost sight of myself, I realized that I was trying to live up to everyone else's standards and was attempting to make myself into something other people wanted me to be..... just to be accepted. What a wonderful day it was when I realized this! It was one of the more painful therapy sessions I had finally dug down deep into the inner dark abyss where so many of my painful memories I ignored were and by allowing myself to be strong enough to go there out came the revelation that I had been waiting for. For my entire life I had felt that I was not accepted by people who you would think would accept you no matter what, I had felt abandoned and not good enough, my self esteem is tragic! I began to live my life in a way to make others proud of me and to want and love me, it is sick and childish I know, but I have never truly felt my age. Deep inside I have always felt that I was about ten years old - perhaps I quit maturing emotionally?

But I am in a good place today and I am grateful for it! It is a beautiful day and I grabbed my mp3 player, put it on shuffle and walked to the park! It was a very long walk and I lost all track of time, I sat for awhile and watched the ducklings swim on the lake, watched a father play with his two children and enjoyed the stillness that I found inside of me. As I journeyed home with a smile on my face I began to think that this walk was more than just a physical act, it was my long walk back to feeling human again. My downward spiral, emotional breakdown, my job loss: as much as I hurt while going through them I fought even though I wanted to give up so many times, my fight and self exploration has allowed me to come to this point today. I continue my journey to be the person that I am, to continue to think before I react, to not be so judgemental, to realize we are all going through our own battles and we are doing the best we can with what we have, to love my life and all it has to offer and embrace the hardships and difficult people as my teachers. It is so much easier to think and live this way, to be open and receptive to all, sometimes I may fall back into old habits but I try to catch myself and without passing judgement forgive myself and carry on with life.

“There's a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. You can see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the same.A much more interesting, kind, adventurous, and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is.”
Pema Chodron
Source: The Wisdom of No Escape: And the Path of Loving Kindness (Shambhala Classics), Page: 3